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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I'm getting good at packing

Seriously, I've somehow managed to pack my entire room into three, maybe four boxes once I get all my clothes packed. I'm impressed. I had 7 when I moved into this place. I still am not sure when or where I'm moving, or even if I'll have a job after tomorrow morning, (more fun stuff that's come up in my life) but I do know that I'll be moving very soon.

Also, there's a new post on my music blog. Check it out.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Something I really miss

I miss writing letters, and getting letters in return. Emails are cool, but there's something about writing something by hand, and reading another persons handwriting. I miss the anticipation of waiting for letters in the mail. I miss the rush of adrenaline I got when I would open the letter, unfold it and start reading. Melinda and I wrote over a hundred letters to each other. I would sit for days working on my response, carefully wording every sentence, trying to come up with questions to ask. (As if I didn't her already.) I would wait to hear from her, and she would tease me on the phone, saying she was almost done with it. I remember waiting with eagerness to get he letters in the mail.

I miss it. I wish I had a good pen pal sometimes. I have a whole case of envelopes, and a full book of stamps. I need to start writing letters.

Stealing from Kate yet again

Sorry my voice kinda rumbles a little bit. It was late and I didn't wanna wake up my other roommate. (The sober one.) Also, I should be posting some new posts on my other two blogs in the next few days; I'll let you know when I do. :)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

When it rains, it pours.

Well, just as I was getting better from my tooth, I had some more fun. Tuesday night, I had a panic attack right as I went to bed. I kept waking up with the shakes, and I had awful dreams. Then I woke up puking. I couldn't keep down any food or water. I called out of work, and then went around the house puking and trying to get a level head. I finally started to feel better right around time for me to go to bed, just in time to start having sharp pains in my chest. I ignored it and went to sleep. I woke up later around 430, and the chest pain was almost unbearable. I finally called my mom and asked for a ride to the hospital. They told me it likely had esophagus damage from the heaving, and gave me a nasty liquid that numbed everything it touched. When that didn't work, the doctor ordered an EKG. They did the EKG, and the doctor came in and said my EKG was normal, looked pretty plain, expect, It was classic EKG for a blood clot in the lung. SSSOOOO I got to get blood tests done, and then they took a CT scan of my chest. Fortunately, but unfortunately, both came back normal. It's good, because I didn't have to stay. It's bad, because It doesn't really answer the questions of what is causing the chest pains. In the mean time, I now owe Halifax $4,000. That's a lot of money, and it's money I don't have. I may be able to take a tax-funded assistance, but I may not be able to prove I qualify.

Monday, December 19, 2011

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

Jk. I've got four of 'em already.

However, I would LOVE those following...

Marshall JVM Head
Marshall 425 4x12 Cabinet 
Jackson Kelly 
Jackson King V V2

And about 90% of the shirts from snorgtees.

In other news, the hole in my jaw is healing well. Swelling is about all gone, as well as the pain. It looks super gross. I love it.

I have started two new blogs. One is about politics, and the other is about music.

I may or may not do a video blog soon. Maybe. We'll see.

Speed Safely.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

And down to 27

I am now down to 27 teeth. I'm not particularly thrilled about this. Since I've already posted the background story, I'll just talk about how the extraction went.

A few days ago, my gums started to swell up, and my tooth became extremely painful. I realized the time for dragging my feet was up, and if I wanted to avoid really bad news, I'd need to do something about the abscess.  So I made an appointment to have my tooth removed, as that was all I could afford.

Here's how it went.

The office was running behind when I got there, so I had even more time to think about what was about to happen. When I finally met the dentist who was going to remove my tooth, he was a really cool guy. It was the first time I can remember going to the dentist and cracking up. So, he gave me two shots of Novocaine, then moved me over to the extraction room. About 20 minutes later he gave me a few more shots of Novocaine, then he got out a different needle and tried giving the injection into the root of my tooth, then actually through the part of my tooth that broke off. It was a total of 8 shots. (My body is resistant to Novocaine, and the abscess "sucked up" anything that reached my roots.) Then he got out what looked like a flat-head screwdriver and began pushing my tooth up.

Now, a lot had happened on the past few years since I last saw the dentist. I've been run over by a car, hit by a car, bruised my ACl, and I've had a score of problems with this tooth. I have a high threshold for pain these days.

Three pushes with the screwdriver was all I could take. The dentist then had to drill into my tooth, slip it and injected more Novocaine directly into my nerve. That wasn't pleasant. It also didn't do much. I wanted to back out. I wanted to jump up and quit. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I saw him pulling out the two bloody pieces of tooth and the hygienist who was assisting putting gauze in my mouth.

So now, I am restricted to cold, soft foods, my jaw has disappeared, and I am in love with lowertabs. At least it's all down hill from here.

If I ever need another tooth pulled, I will be sedated.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Without Wax

I finished 'Digital Fortress" today. There was one code in the book that the main character never breaks- "without wax." Her Fiance always signs his letters "without wax", and she can never figure it out. The book explains that in old days, sculptors would correct mistakes with wax. Sculptures that didn't have wax, were called sin cera, "without wax." (This is where the English word "sincere" comes from) The fiance signs the letters "without wax" to say he loves her without flaw.

That's how I wanna love. That's what Melinda and I had. I miss that. It hasn't been there with either Laura and Bailey; not that I didn't love them, but there were flaws in how we showed our love, almost as if our love had been tainted. I don't want that. I want a purely sculpted love.
When I get married, I wanna love without wax.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Things I've done since I got home from work

Went to the bathroom
Checked email/ Facebook/ ect.
Picked up where I left off with "Digital Fortress"
Took perishable food out of the freezer
Went back to reading
Read one chapter too far
Kept reading.
re-positioned myself several times over the course of 4 hours while reading.
Screamed at my book.
Threatened to painfully end said inanimate object's life.
Loudly said "Are you kidding me?" several times.
Went to the bathroom
Realized I still had perishable food sitting out- four hours later.
Found a lull in the action that I can leave-off at.

This reminds me of when I read 'Hunger Games". I was up till 230am.

I'm going to sleep now. Maybe
No, I wanna keep reading.
But, I should sleep.
But if I sleep, I'll have dreams about cryptographers and unbreakable codes and national security and treason and murder and paid assassins.
But I work 645-4 tomorrow, and I really need to sleep.

Damn you, good books. :/

Monday, December 5, 2011


(If anyone should have any cognitive discordance with the fact that I will be using a capital "D" when I type 'Depression", it's because I am referring to the proper name of a disease I was diagnosed with several years ago; therefore, it is a proper noun.)

With my current relapse into Depression, I wanna write an info-rant about Depression, because apparently nobody actually knows anything about it.

I classify Depression into two catigories: Clinical, and Temporary.

Temporary Depression is something everyone feels in life. It's a general sadness, caused by death, heartache, ect. It usually only lasts a few weeks to a few months, depending on what has brought it on. It has no medical causes.

Clinical Depression is different. It has a medical cause, and cannot be controlled. One of the biggest mistakes people make in dealing with someone with Clinical Depression is telling them to "just get over it," or something similar to that. Clinical Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Brain cells use certain chemicals, called neurotransmitters,  to communicate between each other. When there is not enough of these chemicals, brain cells can't communicate effectively. This imbalance is usually caused by either genetics or trauma, and it shows itself as one or more of the following conditions:
Manic Depression (Bipolar)
Social Anxiety
Clinical Depression

I've been diagnosed with 1, 3 and 4 on that list. I could write a million rants about all of these, but tonight, I'll just focus on Depression.

As I said, the chemical imbalance can be brought on by a few different things; for me, it was genetics. Both of my parents have ADD, and my mom also has Depression.

So what are symptoms of Depression? These are the ones I deal with personally.
Sleeping disorders
Disinterest in things I enjoy, like playing guitar.
Loss of apatite
Irrational Logic

What frustrates me the most, is that those symptoms are not me. They're not who I am. But, when this happens, I become that. I fight it, and I do my best to counter it, but this isn't something that's just in my head; this is something that is out of y hands at the end of the day. I can try to be happy, but I cannot forcibly make my brain produce enough chemicals.

Outside factors do affect me, though.

When I was on my date with Bri, I was so happy afterwards. Why? Because I was out, moving, and doing things that release Endorphins, which also causes an increase of Dopamine, both of which are chemicals used as neurotransmitters.

One of the worst thing about depression is the way it effects inter-social behavior. When someone has depression, others might accuse him of faking it for attention, or making it up, or being a sissy. Sadly, these are usually not true, and usually make things worst.

If you've gotten this far, you might be wondering why I decided to post this. Because I really need to vent. I'm tired of people telling me to just get over it. I'm tired of the dirty looks, and hurtful things said behind my back that I do hear. Not having a close friend is killing me. Everyone I used to be able to call has left me. I miss knowing I could just call and have a conversation with someone. Not about my problems, but just a conversation.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

November in Florida

I've had so many blah posts lately, I figured I'd post some positive stuff.

This is the only ice rink where you can break out a sweat while skating. 

I think this sign is awesome; you don't see these everywhere.

I love the way our beach looks in the fall. 

That's a sunset from the top of the Seabreeze Bridge, north causeway. 

I had an awesome time with Bri. We skated for about an hour and a half, then we had dinner at Johnny Rocket's, an old-fashioned diner at the Ocean Walk Plaza. We sat and talked for an hour and a half. We then skated till they closed at 10. Afterwards, we hung out at her house for about an hour and talked. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

update on the tooth

Well, I went to see my old dentist today. First time in years. My tooth has abscessed, and will either need a root canal, or it will have to be yanked. Neither option is a happy one. If I get a root canal, it will hurt and cost almost $2,200, which is $1,998 more than I have right now; however, I will be saving my tooth, and aside from occasional maintenance on the cap it will be finished for good after just a few visits. On the other hand, I can have it pulled. If I do that it will only cost about $250; it will also screw up the alignment of my teeth, which grew in perfectly aligned. (Seriously, I have a perfect bite.) This means that I'll eventually need braces, which is about $5000 after all is said and done. Then, after all that is done, I'll have to get a bridge put in to correct the spacing.

I don't like My options.

Pics of my tooth will be coming soon. This sucker looks weird; plus, how often do you get to see the inside of a tooth???

Side notes_
I went ice skating at the rink they have set up at the bandshell (on the boardwalk along the beach.) I think this was the first time I can remember breaking out a sweat while ice skating.

I'm taking Brianna on a date to said ice rink tomorrow night. First date in... a while.

I think my depression has started to relapse. This, is not good in any way.

I'm working out a few ideas for rants. Most likely my next one will be on the Occupy Wall Street.