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Friday, September 21, 2012

unsure this stuff

I'm not really sure exactly what this post is about. I'm writing it anyways. I should note my typing may be off. I just had a very long practice session on the guitar so my fingertips don't feel very good right now.

I guess I'm just frustrated with so many things right now. It's not that life is necessarily bad right now, but it's not enjoyable. I'm watching little things happen that drive me nuts.

I'm getting tired of being single. I've never actually felt this kind of loneliness before. Sure, when my depression was uncontrolled I felt friendless, but this is different. I'm starting to feel jealously towards my friends who are in relationships/ getting married. I want to be happy for them, but at the same time thinking of what they have has only made me realize I don't have it. I don't know if this is normal or not; I've never felt this kind of emotion. And it's not that I'm not happy, but I feel like I'm eating hamburger while my friends are eating steak. Part of this I think come from the fact that I never thought I'd be like this 7 years ago. When I was in high school, I was convinced I'd be married, or at least in a serious relationship by now. Never did I think I'd be single, living in poverty, not in college and working a dead-end job at 23. I have plans to go to college in the near future, and I am working on polishing the details of my long-term plans, but it feels still so distant and dream-like. Maybe when I actually get close to leaving it'll set in.

Brother Messner has pissed me off a lot lately. I'm sure he thinks he's doing a good thing by criticizing me and all, but he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time and I don't wanna hear it.

I'm just... tired of it all.

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