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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Mormon dating: I'd rather get a tooth pulled with a rusty pair of pliers.

Before I start, happy birthday to me in 3 days!

So, to open up, I'll start off with some humor. This was my group's skit during the YSA conference I attended back in July

So, now that you're (hopefully) laughing, let's get down to it.

Let my start by saying these are general trends I've noticed in my own experiences as well as thing's I've noticed as a YSA leader in my now 6th year as a YSA. These things do not all apply to everyone, but at least one applies to most everyone. I haven't met an exception yet.

1) To all the YSA women, leaders, general authorities and everyone else who has singled out the guys: We'll ask women out more if and when the women say yes more often. I'm not talking about anything committed here, just a simple date. A first date should not imply commitment, and no matter how well you "know" someone isn't your type, people are very different in one-on-one settings versus group settings. Do not think so highly of yourself that you think going on a date with certain people is below you. Get over yourselves. The only reason you should turn down a first date is if you believe you would be in danger. Now second dates are completely up to you; If you just do not want to spend time with that person after a first date, then don't. But first dates should almost never be turned down. You're not leading a guy on just for going on one date. If a guy thinks too much of a first date (which some do) he has the problem, not you.

2) NCMOs are stupid. I cannot wrap my head around this. The concept of making out with someone, just for fun, is completely beyond the grasp of my mind. Kissing is a personal and intimate. Why would you do this?

3) Kissing is not something that needs to be held for the temple, or even a relationship. Now, this may seem to contradict what I just said, but it actually doesn't. A NCMO is just fun- no emotions or affection to back it up; however, a kiss implies a semi-deep romantic feeling. It is a sign of affection and facilitates emotional bonding. These things do not need to be held off until you're in a committed relationship. If you feel the emotions and affection to back it up, kiss away. I've kissed 10 girls in my life. (I'm not keeping track, BTW. I stopped and counted. This number actually surprised me; I didn't realize it was this high.) Of those 10, only 3 of those girls was I already in a relationship with at the time. The other 7 girls:
      4 of them I dated soon after kissing
      1 of them I wanted to date but didn't because she wasn't LDS and wasn't happy with just kissing
      2 ( including my first kiss) we had previously dated.

I'll give an example. "S" and I grew up in the same stake. She was the first girl I dated after my high school sweetheart and I broke up.  She and I had our first date on a Saturday. We spent every night on the phone after that. We hung out/dated a few times the following week. I attended her graduation that Friday, and she came to our friends Eagle Court of Honor that Saturday. After the COH she and I went out for dinner. Then in the driveway at home she and I kissed. We started "officially" dating the next week.

As far as I'm concerned, we did nothing wrong with doing it in that order. And while that was kind of rushed, the timing of it all worked out well. The relationship didn't, but I have no regrets. And don't save kissing for marriage. I don't know where that came from, but it's a dumb and unrealistic idea. I agree with Bro Jo on this one: If a girl refuses to kiss me, especially if we're officially dating, I'm gunna have a lot of questions and doubts. As long as your emotions match the message of your kisses, kiss whomever whenever. Just don't do it for recreation.

4) Save french kissing for post-wedding. I dated my high school sweetheart for a year and a half, and when she and I started dating, her mom made us promise that we wouldn't french kiss. (She and I didn't even have our first kiss until her birthday party a week later.) We kept that promise. (Not to say there wasn't some pretty serious kissing from time-to-time, but we never french kissed.) French kissing flips a switch. It makes everything sexual. While I'm not a fan of long lists of rules, I do believe this should be one of those absolute don'ts. It's a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. I would have saved myself a lot of grief and pain a few times if I had followed that rule with my later girlfriends.

5) Guys really aren't interested in being friends. Unless you practically grew up with a guy, he either has, does, or will think of you romantically. It's the way guys work. Get used to it and stop fighting it. A guy will not approach you, spend time with you, and spend money on you just so y'all can be friends. If he just wanted friendship, you'd be a guy.

6) We guys don't use signals and codes-- we're pretty straightforward. Don't over-complicate and over-think things. We mean what we say. We might not say it in the best possible way, but we're usually pretty honest.

7) If it quacks like a date and swims like a date, it's a date. If two people (guy and girl) are doing some activity together, not in a group, it's a date. Don't freak out about this. It's not a wedding ceremony, so calm down, relax, enjoy it, and be yourself. If your date calls it a date, don't freak out. He/She is just calling it what it is. If that person thinks a simple date means it's time to pick out china patterns, and you just can't get over that, don't date that person again, you dolt.  (Man, I loved the alliteration in that. I do believe that is a win for me.)

8) If a girl gives you her number, it means call her. I don't understand why this isn't obvious. Just do it. If you didn't ask for it and she gave it anyways, give her a chance. If you asked for her number though, you pretty much told her you'r interested, and she felt okay with that enough to give you her digits. Not calling is a big rejection.

9) Learn to approach women. Just talk to her. have a conversation. Don't even tell her your name. If she never asks your name, it means she isn't' interested. And don't use pick-up lines. Funny ice-breakers are okay, but corny jokes work best. But, have something to talk about. Few girls want to hear about magic cards or video games, just like few guys want to hear about shopping or reality TV. Don't be a bragger, but have genuine interests and activities to talk about. Do something in your life. It's never to late be become an interesting person.

10) Don't be a player/lead someone on/ friend zone people. If after a reasonable amount of getting to know someone you can tell it isn't going to go anywhere, let that person know. If you'r not in a position in life, not ready, or (like an idiot) waiting for a missionary, don't let people think they have a chance when you're not going to give it. It's better to give someone a day of hurt feelings now than weeks of unhappiness later.

Well, I have more things to say, But this is getting a bit wordy. I might do a part II later on.

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