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Sunday, August 5, 2012

-insert expletive here-

That's how I feel right now.

I am unemployed and have no money to my name. If I do not find steady employment in a few weeks, I will also be homeless. I really don't know how to react to all this. I was going to try and enroll at DSC for the fall semester and use grants to pay my rent, but I just found out if I do, I won't get my grant money until mid October.
I haven't been feeling right at all the past month or so. I lost my wallet, which included my DL, debit card, my emergency cash and a blank check. I got a new wallet, only to lose that one a week later with $30 cash in it. I don't feel like I belong with my roommate. Even though I have paid my rent on time so far, I feel like I'm just a burden to him because I don't have a job. I've had no motivation to do anything. I am only applying to jobs because I know I need one or else. I've read a few Ensign articles, but I haven't read the actual scriptures in weeks, which I know is contributing to all of this.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what the future holds. I feel like I don't honestly have a future. And I hate talking about it with people, because nobody actually ever tells me something worth hearing. It's always the same genetic stuff. I don't wanna hear that it will get better, I wanna know HOW. I want an individualized reaction, not something they told you to say at the MTC. I don't want excessive sympathy or empathy, but I do want people to acknowledge the fact that I do actually have a really bad situation right now. I know things could be worst; however, that doesn't mitigate the actual situation I'm in right now. I am in excruciating pain every day because of dental work that needs to be done, but there isn't anything that can be done about it. To make things worst, I know one tooth at least is going to need to be pulled, which isn't a good thing. (Remember my last tooth extraction?)

I haven't played guitar since Danny's farewell. It shows. 3 weeks takes a lot away from your fingers. I tried to play a few songs today, but I couldn't mute properly or get a good tone. I couldn't get my fingers to trill fast enough, I couldn't get any good clean tremolo picking and I couldn't get a clean pinch harmonic.

Oh yeah, Danny left, Jeff Left, Matt left and Joey leaves a week from tomorrow. I'm glad my buddies are getting to serve missions, but it sucks being left here without them. I miss Matt so much. I guess it's because he and I have been through so much as friends (and at a few times, friendly rivals) that I miss him so much. He is one of the few people that really knows me intimately. He knows what makes me tick. Of everyone I've ever known my entire life, only Melinda and Ann (Melinda's mom) have known me as well as Matt. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to still have Richard and John, but even John is working on his papers.

I spent the last 5 days house-sitting for the Livingstons. Sister Livingston told me today that they will eventually be moving away from here. Terry is looking to work for another hospital. (And I don't blame him. Halifax is terrible to their doctors.) Because of certain laws, he won't be able to work around here. So goodbye more friends. KD is supposedly a friend, but, I don't feel like she is gunna be a long-term friend. I want her to be, but, something keeps telling me it isn't going to happen.

All this has forced me to put off BYUI. I am now looking at spring-fall track. This is good because I won't be showing up for the first time in the peak of winter, but I don't wanna stay here any longer.

I hate this.

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